Funny things make me laugh.
Sitting at a local bar, I was chatting with a lady I have had a few conversations with, as she is a regular at this particular watering hole. Her name has been omitted from this little story, as to not embarrass or bring her to tears from the hilarity of her ridiculous story.
Jane (not her real name…) and I were conversing about the weight loss we have been trying to obtain through different means of motivation. We talked about weight watchers, random apps on our phones that count calories, and of course the ominous looking gyms we are both members of but have yet to set foot in more than once or twice a week. Clearly the gym is NOT very motivating. She proceeded to tell me she was currently working with an app on her phone that helped her count her daily calories. The app allowed her so many calories per day, based off her weight loss goal for the next few months.
She then went into the story about her most recent breakfast decision that very same morning. She proceeded to tell me she had really, really wanted a breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s. I asked her, “Aren’t those over 300 calories?” She told me they were, but since she was allowed about 1020 calories per day, she was going to splurge. She THEN told she was looking at the drive-thru menu and wanted an iced coffee. She told me, “So, I thought to myself… coffee can’t be THAT many calories! I will just get a large. Plus I like good, sugary drink to give me energy throughout the day.”
I could see that little skinny person in my brain saying, "Um... Jane?" I have no idea what my face looked like through this conversation, and I truly hope I didn’t offend this woman, but as she went on… I almost threw up.
She was through with her McDonalds choices, and I figured that was the end of the story, and she would then tell me she had used half her calories for the day. Nope. She continued her fast food saga, indicating she had been dying for “cheesy tots” for weeks! To myself, I thought, “What the hell are cheesy tots???” Her facial expression was priceless. She continued her every excited, adventruous tone and told me what happened next...
After she got her 550 calorie, breakfast number one from McDonalds, she drove across the street to … wait for it… BURGER KING!!! WHAT?!?! (Remember the beginning of the story, where I was telling everyone we were talking about our weight loss goals… so on and so forth?, ya.) She got to the drive thru lane, where she ordered her… LARGE, cheesy tots. She then spotted the most wonderful thing you could ever want… per her awed expression. There, on dat dere drive-thru menu, was none other than the new and improved cinnamon rolls, limited time only. Yep. She leapt out of her chair, and exclaimed, “They were 3 for the price of 2!!!!! So, naturally, I had to get three!!!”
She told me she was so proud of herself, because she had been able to enter all the food she had eaten in the last week, on her phone. She said she inhaled the tots, breakfast sandwich, and her coffee. She got to work and proceeded to mow down on her first cinnamon roll, probably thinking, “This weight loss thing is easy peasy!” She THEN began entering her points into her phone…. Not so easy.
Ok, so… if you are afforded, say 1000 calories per day… when you begin to add food you have consumed, or rather inhaled, the calorie count indicating what is left for the day moves downward, until you have used all your calories for the day. Simple. Jane told me she had entered all her calories for the breakfast she had just devoured. Her calorie count was at a negative 212. She looked at me like she had asked a question and was waiting for me to solve the problem… uh…I just looked at her. I said, “Well, that sucks… guess you had to eat veggies for the rest of the day?” She had no clue what I had meant. She told me she had no idea why she was at a negative number. She said, “I added food, and the number went down… I don’t get it. How would I end up with a negative number?” I tried to tell her, in the nicest, most nonjudgemental way possible, the calorie count was depleted with the food she had eaten,and that she had a negative amount of calories left for the day… she STILL did not get it.
I left the pub baffled. I realized I wasn’t all that bad at losing weight.
Jane’s last comments to me were, “Maybe I should just get cheesy tots and a sandwich instead of the cinnamon rolls? I think my phone is broken.” No, Hunny, I think your brain is broken… permanently. Go get some cheesy tots.